Avatar: Let’s Join Braids

The Plot

Pocahontas in space

R: Let me start off by addressing what allay’all Avatar lovers always say about this movie: “but the special effects are so amazing!” Having good CGI means nothing to me. Strike that: I only care about CGI if it’s bad and I can make fun of it. (Look out for our post about Pirates 5). Avatar’s special effects are good, I guess, but after a while technology will move on and all we’ll be left with is a pretty blasé Pocahontas retelling of how we have to fight with the Native American metaphor against the American military metaphor. (Lookin’ at you, Dances With Wolves.)

M: Anyway, let’s talk about the fact that they used the Papyrus font for their subtitles.

R: Papyrus is the Comic Sans of cinematic fonts.

M: Comic Sans is the Comic Sans of cinematic fonts.

R: We haven’t even started the movie yet. We’re still on the menu screen.

The Characters

Jake Sully

M: Sam Worthington is trying his best to suppress his Australian accent.

R: I still don’t understand the logic behind hiring Jake Sully. How is he qualified to go on this scientific research voyage? I understand that his brother died, but Mary, if you died, I don’t want you anywhere near my students.

M: Yeah, but we aren’t twins.

R: So?

M: They have the same DNA, therefore he’s the only other one that’s compatible with the avatar.

R: No they don’t?

M: They were one egg split into two, with the same chromosomal makeup.

R: Thanks for that, Poindexter.

(Side note – even though I have a degree in biology, I had to look this up after explaining it to her because she made me second guess myself.)

M: Jake Sully understands why he can use the avatar as much as Rebecca does.

Untitled.png

M: I actually like Jake’s struggle between being one of his own kind and wheelchair bound, and forsaking his own kind for his ability to walk, among other things (alien booty).

Col. Whatever

M: What is this commander guy’s name?

R: Sgt. Butthole.

M: He would already be a painful evil-military-man trope without the three-taloned scratch scar on his head.

R: What makes this movie bad is Sgt. Butthole and Pheobe’s Brother From Friends. Even if there was a war-mongering officer with a penchant for genocide and corporate yuppie scum backing him, there would also be another character along for the ride: a lawyer or HR rep, a Toby from The Office, letting them know that mining a newly-discovered planet for its valuable resources hasn’t really been en vogue since Andrew Jackson was President. Most of the characters in Avatar are pretty shallow.

M: Sgt. Butthole is even more stereotypical than Rick Flag.

Grace

R: Now we gotta talk about Sigourney Weaver. Sigourney Weaver, I’m just gonna say it, is a pretty good actress.

M: I actually love Sigourney Weaver, especially her sassy warden role in Holes.

R: Me too, but that’s the thing. Everyone’s love for Sigourney Weaver clouds the fact that she uses the same voice infliction on all of her lines, and she mostly does space movies.

M/R: Quick ranking of her space movies:

  1. Alien, obviously.
  2. Galaxy Quest, a true gem.
  3. Ghostbusters.
  4. Finding Dory.
  5. Alien: Resurrection
  6. All the other Alien sequels
  7. Avatar

M: Let’s just not continue, there are too many space movies.

R: You forgot Baby Mama.

Neytiri

R: Everything I said about Sigourney Weaver applies to Zoe Saldana. Zoe Saldana is a good actress who has made a lot of money playing space hotties (Gamora, Uhura).

M: I don’t really have anything to say about her. She aight.

R: I don’t mean any disrespect. I’m sure both Sigourney Weaver and Zoe Saldana are sitting on their enormous piles of money from these blockbusters like $$¯\_(ツ)_/¯$$

The Scenes

Coming to Pandora

M: Is it just me or…

Screen Shot 2017-07-07 at 9.42.18 PMspace_jam_michael_jordan_joe_pytka_tony_cervone_011_jpg_ezrs

Also, who made basketball shorts for the avatars??????

Screen Shot 2017-07-07 at 9.55.05 PM

R: From that point on, I was uh-runn-ayn

jake.gifgiphy

M: I like this scene because we see Jake getting his ability to run back, but then Sigourney shows up throwing fruit and some poorly written lines.

Eywa Decides Jake Is Aight

giphy (1)

M: Neytiri, you have to accept him, dandelions are landing on him.

R: Anyone who has ever been outside in Alabama at dusk knows this scene ain’t no thang. You walk around below the Mason Dixon line at night, there’s no telling what kind of creature may descend on you.

R: Every animal in Pandora looks like a pterodactyl.

M: Maybe Toruk joined his braid with all the other animals.

R: I like how she immediately gets mad at him because she killed that animal that was attacking him.

The Braid Sharing Scenes

M: We’re not saying it because you’re all thinking it.

Screen Shot 2017-07-07 at 10.09.47 PMScreen Shot 2017-07-07 at 10.12.55 PMScreen Shot 2017-07-07 at 10.08.58 PM

*Kill Bill siren plays*

Screen Shot 2017-07-07 at 10.09.02 PM

Flying the Banshees

giphy (3)

M: What is even is the purpose of that visor?

R: You have to squat on that thing too? You can’t sit down?

R: I love that the big angry scary bird has the exact pattern of my 7th grade crush’s favorite t-shirt:

b0f92f0c1ee1a559d83a98881577adf1

M: …the Guy Fieri shirt?

The Very Long Final Sequence

R: “Savages, savages, barely even human”

IMG_7436.JPGIMG_7437.JPG

R: It’s like James Cameron watched Fern Gully and was like, “That was good, but what if I made it 3 hours long?”

R: Like I said, what are the repercussions if people on earth found out that you did white genocide again on another planet? Surely more people on this mission have a stronger social conscious/memory of history than like four main characters?

R: The biggest plot twist in this movie is the fact that Jake Sully bonds with the Guy Fieri pterodactyl.

M: And the biggest betrayal is that he abandons his original pterodactyl.

R: These blue people are like “honestly what now with this drama queen”

IMG_7438.JPG

M: Jake earns the respect of the people by getting the most pimpin’ ride.

R: This movie is so long that James Horner got tired of composing music for it and just recycled his themes from Braveheart. I’m serious. Look it up.

M: Are you there, Eywa? It’s me, Jake.

Screen Shot 2017-07-08 at 10.22.14 AM.png

M: Is it me or is the ratio between the Na’vi and the humans inconsistent? Anyway, I appreciate that the two species are not the same size.

R: Avatar must be Bowe Bergdahl’s bible, because it’s the douchey neckbeard story of a soldier ignoring orders. Lol get it? Fans of Serial Season 2 will get it, if not keep scrolling.

R: This entire end scene is a that’s what she said joke.

 

Final thoughts

M: Despite all of the silly things in this movie, it’s pretty enjoyable. It has great animation and music and a classic natives-vs-white-folks storyline. I’m just trying to figure out what the next 4 movies could possibly be about.

R: A movie shouldn’t be so long that your first thought is “Oh thank God” when it’s over.

The Rating

M: One questionable braid connection.

R: Three out of twenty-eight floating dandelion mosquitoes.

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s